Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Where's The Great Zoltar When You Need Him?

Dear Secret Blogiary,

The Great Period Watch of 2011 continues with breaking news:

The Faboo Ms. Dee (the only other person I told about the possible pregnancy) had a dream last night in which my car broke down on the side of the road and she came to my aid. Concerned about my lack of menstruation, she brought me directly to a doctor’s office wherein the doc did a thorough search of my innermost cavities and declared I was not pregnant.

I told Ms. Dee that I was relieved that her fortune telling dream indicated a positive resolution to the dilemma to which she respond, “No you are not! You have psyched yourself into wanting a pregnancy and therefore your body is responded to it.”

Well, sure there might be that, but as I’ve said, either way I’ll be content. I just want an actual tangible answer. By the time I got home I was convinced that I could get the answer using more reliable methods.

I turned to the Magic 8 Ball. Except for the unfortunate fact that I couldn’t find my Magic 8 Ball! I did the next best thing: Google. Turns out there are actual FREE Magic 8 Ball generators online! Who knew?

Here, you input your question, click submit and low the Wonder that is the Magic 8 Ball takes place.

Me: Am I pregnant?
M8B: Maybe.
Me: Umm, could you please be more specific?
M8B: Yes.
Me: “Yes” you can be more specific or “yes” I am pregnant?
M8B: Please Ask Again Later.
Me: Is it later enough for you?
M8B: Yes.
Me: Am I pregnant?
M8B: Maybe.
Me: ARGH!!

Okay I think, certainly there are other methods of telling your fortune and getting a straight answer from the fates.

Let’s try Tarot. I didn’t think I would find a free tarot card reading site, but on my first Google attempt I found this. I got to choose the spread, “Burning Question." It seemed appropriate. And these are the cards I got in order:

1. Four of Cups
2. Eight of Spades
3. Ten of Pentacles
4. Ace of Pentacles
5. Transformation
6. Temptation
7. Two of Cups

Overall the whole thing was confusing. I got that Cups are all about fertility, love and relationships, Transformation and Temptation are self explanatory. Spades are used in gardens to dig ditches for planting which is clearly related to implantation of sperm! Pentacles are pointy and are related to magic, right? And birth is magical…And certainly if I am pregnant, magic was involved as I cannot imagine how I might have conceived. As there wasn’t an actual answer I’ll go with a “maybe.”

Next up? The I Ching. This is clearly the way to go, I thought. It has been around since before the Jurassic and predicted everything up to 2012. It has to be accurate. And once again I was amazed to find a free online version here.

I asked my question, “Am I pregnant,” and got the follow line sequence:

This is Lu or "Worrying the Tiger." According the result since I tread on the tiger’s tail and it didn’t bite me I have an Epic Win! But for some reason the essential message remained: Uncertain.

Go figure.

Okay, I think, let me deal with a fortune telling device that is connected to me, to my heritage: Runes. Sure enough Ask Google and the Internet provides. Free online rune casting. Since I do not know anything about runes I let the website choose which spread to cast.

It picked the Fork Spread, a three rune casting with two runes up top and one centered beneath. Left Rune reads as “Ken” reversed which signifies ignorance. The right rune is “Ansuz” or the voice of God, as it is reversed as well, it means that I am deaf to God’s instructions OR that I am not listening at all! The last rune, “Othila” represents the homeland which relates to stability and safety.

Take these all together with my question and I am ignorantly not listening to my homeland. Not listening to my ignorant homeland? My homeland is ignorant and not listening?

Once again, the online fortune tellers have left me even more confused and frustrated. But then, then my friends, I get a brilliant idea! What is the one fortune teller that trumps all others EXCEPT the Magic 8 Ball? That’s right, the Cootie Catcher!!

Like a Cootie Catching Champ, I folded that fortune teller up and wrote the following responses on the inside: two yeses, two no’s, two maybes, one “Don’t you think you should go to the doctor already?” and one, “Are you sure this is the best method for determining pregnancy?” Now since I made the Cootie, I couldn’t ask the question myself, so I enlisted Mister W. who, although doubtful of the accuracy of the test, played along for my sake.

Me: Pick a color.
Mister: Red.
Me: Pick a number.
Mister: Seven.
Me: Pick another number.
Mister: One.
Me: Pick another number.
Mister: (eyebrows raised higher than I have ever seen before) Really?
Me: You have to pick three numbers.
Mister: Fine…Seven.
Me: (opening the Cootie Catcher and frowning) Hmm.
Mister: Well?
Me: “Don’t you think that you should go to the doctor already?”
Mister: HA! Haven’t I already told you that?
Me: Clearly, this might be more than The Cootie Catcher can handle. This is BIG! Important.
Mister: Uh huh.
Me: No really! Cootie Catchers are more for like, “Does Tommy like me?” or “Will there be a pop quiz in algebra tomorrow“ or “Will I get caught if I smoke crack in the bathroom?”
Mister: That’s the kind of questions you ask?
Me: No! Of course not, I’m just saying…
Mister: Uh huh. Tell me, Hon, when do I need to start thinking about getting you committed?
Me: Um…Never?

So there I was staring at Mister W. staring back at me and all I could think about was what methods of divination had I not tried yet. And then it hit me. The most accurate method I’ve ever seen specifically regarding pregnancy! The Needle Test. A tiny sliver of steel had accurately predicted what I was having the first two times. Grabbing my sewing kit I pulled Mister W. into the bedroom.

Mister: Now what?
Me: The Needle Test.
Mister: (rolling his eyes and sighing) If I do this will you stop?
Me: Of course (clearly he doesn’t know me as well as I thought).
Mister: Fine.

In case you might not know, the Needle Test involves hanging a needle on a thread, rubbing the thread up and down the inside of a woman’s arm a few times and then holding the needle and thread over her wrist. If the needle moves in a circle, the baby is a girl. If it moves back and forth, the baby is a boy. This is continued until such time as the needle stops dead about the wrist which means that there will be no more children.

If the woman already has children the needle will cycle through the existing children first, so for example, I would expect that the first two times the needle was hung over my wrist, it would swing in a circle. The next time the needle hung over my wrist would reveal the “current” child. And then Mister W. would keep going until the needled stopped. With this test you can also predict how many children one might have.

Mister W. placated me and performed the test. First time: Circle for Big Sis. Second time: Circle for Little Sis. Third time: Back and forth!! Fourth time: Dead stop.

So, this could mean one of two things: 1. I am indeed pregnant and it is a boy. Or 2. Sometime in the future I will have a boy.


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