When I Get My Own Compound There Won't Be Any Stupid HOA Fees!!

Dear Secret Blogiary,

I hate my neighborhood. No hate is too much of a sissy word. I loath my neighborhood. Despise it. If I had to choose between living in my neighborhood and living in Hiroshima right after the bomb dropped…well, I’d probably choose my neighborhood over death, but you get the gist of the intensity at which I abhor my ‘hood.

I almost wish I could say that I hate it because it is a ghetto full of crack-whores and gangstas. I wish I hated it because it was full of child molesting fiends peeping at my kids through Venetian blinds. At least then, then I would have a better justifiable cause for my hate.

No, I hate my neighborhood because:

7. The Walls.

Now last time I lived in an apartment, the walls were paper thin. I not only heard porno-worthy sex that lasted for hours, but I heard the kids yelling and screaming too. The cool thing is though that I only heard the LOUD stuff. Here in my townhouse, shoot, I hear the neighbor’s phone, the radio, the TV. If I am in the right place at the right time, I even know what bedtime story is being read!

6. The “Waste Management”

My stupid neighborhood doesn’t recycle and every time I try to bring it up to the board to get a recycling program here they completely ignore me or try to placate me by telling me that the company we use sorts the trash at the landfill. Right. By “sort,” I believe they mean “dump it in a pit and let some future generation deal with it.” Have they not seen Wall-e?

5. The Retention Pond

Not only do they insult my intelligence by calling it a “lake” but they won’t even let anyone canoe or kayak on it. It is certainly deep enough to canoe on and I’m not asking to set up a permanent mooring, but really? What’s the point of a “for decoration only” pond?

4. The Damn Feral Cats

Yes. I get that feral cats are a problem. I get that there are animal lovers in the neighbor who want to “take care” of those “poor unfortunate” animals but seriously, TNR programs are not proven to work and besides which, the neighborhood is not running the stupid program the way it was meant to be run. The cats continue to reproduce, continue to use the playground as a litter box and continue to hunt and kill the good wildlife. At a recent board meeting when asked if the cats were more important then the children having a playground, three of the board members said, “Yes.” When the neighborhood puts feral cats above the children, it is time to get rid of the cats...And the board members!

3. The HOA fees.

I could live in a two bedroom apartment for what I pay in HOA fees per month; maybe not a great apartment but a decent one in a decent area with a pool and a fitness center. And exactly what am I getting out of paying the HOA fees? Well, every other week, a guy comes to mow the sand in my “backyard.” There is a pool, so that’s okay. Ummm… yup that’s it. $500 per month gets me a pool and sand maintenance. When I asked if they could put sod down on my sand they said that I would have to pay for it even though it was not my fault sand was there in the first place. When I asked if they would remove the stump that they left after taking down a tree in my patch of sand out front they again stated that it was my responsibility to remove the stump even though they were the ones to cut the tree down without even informing me about it.

2. The Elderly

Okay, I can’t say too much about the elderly in the neighborhood except that they our number the younger 10 to 1. And if I thought my students had no manners, then my students need to the poster children for the next edition of Guide to Good Manners and Etiquette because these elderly folks could teach the younger generation a thing or two about bad manners and nasty, spiteful personalities. Living in this neighborhood, I have encounter more disrespectful, rude elderly then ever before in my life. Surely I am exaggerating you say. I’ll admit I am very good at hyperbole; however, in this case, not an ounce is stretched. For example, one man rides his scooter around the neighborhood every day, not a problem, until a car comes by at which point he starts weaving back and forth across the street preventing the car from passing him. He then screams obscenities at the driver when they make an attempt to pass.

1. The Board

I have never encountered a ruder bunch of S.O.B.s then the board. When discussing the feral cat issue, two of the board members continued to make rude, nasty comments about the people speaking, they rolled their eyes, heaved great exasperated sighs and proceeded to be the biggest bitches I’ve ever seen. The president is weak willed and cows at anything the VP or CAM says. The only information that he has is what the CAM gives him to recite. They will solicit open discourse from the few members that show up and then the board, all save one member, openly ignores the community input. I was ashamed that I voted for them. And I am now getting involved in the process to recall them.

There you have it the Top Ten Seven Reasons why I loath my neighborhood. What makes it all worse is that until the market turns, I have to tolerate it here. UGH! At this point I am not sure that I care if I have justifiable cause to loath...in fact I don't mind at all if I am a little bit irrational!