It Was Fun While It Lasted

Dear Secret Blogiary,

The Great Period Watch of 2011 is at an end! I started my period today. It hit me as I drove to work and I exploded in a fit of road rage when fellow commuters would not let me merge. I must have gone through my entire repertoire of curses in one long strung together outburst. Thankfully, I am only a verbal road-rager, and usually only right before I get my period. So I had the inkling that I might actually be starting, but as that was the only sign, I didn't get my hopes up. But the evidence was there when I got to work and went to the bathroom. Thankfully, like a good Girl Scout-or member of the Cult of MacGyver-I am always prepared.

As I have previously stated, I was going to be okay with either result and it looks like The Faboo Ms. Dee and her dream prediction was the most accurate of all fortune telling devices. And she might have been right about the psyching myself into it, since honestly I did get the "pregnancy feeling." So maybe I was going through a phantom pregnancy.

I had one moment with a deep sigh and a bit of an “phooey” in the back of my head, but as I was thinking about it, it wasn’t that I wasn’t expecting that made me sad, it was that I wasn’t going to be pregnant at the same time as BFF Lindsey.

I will still be making an appointment with my doctor to find out what went screwy. I am not convinced it was stress as my level of stress has not changed since the beginning of the year. And according to all I have read researched, it would not have been the medicine change. Well, I’ll say it should not have been. I would be silly to discount it, since that was the only thing that has recently changed in my life.

In the end though, I can now focus my creative energies into making awesome baby stuff (baby Cthulu stuffed doll maybe? A Borg Cube? Something Ninja-ee?) for an awesome friend who is going to have an awesome baby…

…Or two…

The Magic 8 Ball seems to suggest she might be having twins.

Where's The Great Zoltar When You Need Him?

Dear Secret Blogiary,

The Great Period Watch of 2011 continues with breaking news:

The Faboo Ms. Dee (the only other person I told about the possible pregnancy) had a dream last night in which my car broke down on the side of the road and she came to my aid. Concerned about my lack of menstruation, she brought me directly to a doctor’s office wherein the doc did a thorough search of my innermost cavities and declared I was not pregnant.

I told Ms. Dee that I was relieved that her fortune telling dream indicated a positive resolution to the dilemma to which she respond, “No you are not! You have psyched yourself into wanting a pregnancy and therefore your body is responded to it.”

Well, sure there might be that, but as I’ve said, either way I’ll be content. I just want an actual tangible answer. By the time I got home I was convinced that I could get the answer using more reliable methods.

I turned to the Magic 8 Ball. Except for the unfortunate fact that I couldn’t find my Magic 8 Ball! I did the next best thing: Google. Turns out there are actual FREE Magic 8 Ball generators online! Who knew?

Here, you input your question, click submit and low the Wonder that is the Magic 8 Ball takes place.

Me: Am I pregnant?
M8B: Maybe.
Me: Umm, could you please be more specific?
M8B: Yes.
Me: “Yes” you can be more specific or “yes” I am pregnant?
M8B: Please Ask Again Later.
Me: Is it later enough for you?
M8B: Yes.
Me: Am I pregnant?
M8B: Maybe.
Me: ARGH!!

Okay I think, certainly there are other methods of telling your fortune and getting a straight answer from the fates.

Let’s try Tarot. I didn’t think I would find a free tarot card reading site, but on my first Google attempt I found this. I got to choose the spread, “Burning Question." It seemed appropriate. And these are the cards I got in order:

1. Four of Cups
2. Eight of Spades
3. Ten of Pentacles
4. Ace of Pentacles
5. Transformation
6. Temptation
7. Two of Cups

Overall the whole thing was confusing. I got that Cups are all about fertility, love and relationships, Transformation and Temptation are self explanatory. Spades are used in gardens to dig ditches for planting which is clearly related to implantation of sperm! Pentacles are pointy and are related to magic, right? And birth is magical…And certainly if I am pregnant, magic was involved as I cannot imagine how I might have conceived. As there wasn’t an actual answer I’ll go with a “maybe.”

Next up? The I Ching. This is clearly the way to go, I thought. It has been around since before the Jurassic and predicted everything up to 2012. It has to be accurate. And once again I was amazed to find a free online version here.

I asked my question, “Am I pregnant,” and got the follow line sequence:

This is Lu or "Worrying the Tiger." According the result since I tread on the tiger’s tail and it didn’t bite me I have an Epic Win! But for some reason the essential message remained: Uncertain.

Go figure.

Okay, I think, let me deal with a fortune telling device that is connected to me, to my heritage: Runes. Sure enough Ask Google and the Internet provides. Free online rune casting. Since I do not know anything about runes I let the website choose which spread to cast.

It picked the Fork Spread, a three rune casting with two runes up top and one centered beneath. Left Rune reads as “Ken” reversed which signifies ignorance. The right rune is “Ansuz” or the voice of God, as it is reversed as well, it means that I am deaf to God’s instructions OR that I am not listening at all! The last rune, “Othila” represents the homeland which relates to stability and safety.

Take these all together with my question and I am ignorantly not listening to my homeland. Not listening to my ignorant homeland? My homeland is ignorant and not listening?

Once again, the online fortune tellers have left me even more confused and frustrated. But then, then my friends, I get a brilliant idea! What is the one fortune teller that trumps all others EXCEPT the Magic 8 Ball? That’s right, the Cootie Catcher!!

Like a Cootie Catching Champ, I folded that fortune teller up and wrote the following responses on the inside: two yeses, two no’s, two maybes, one “Don’t you think you should go to the doctor already?” and one, “Are you sure this is the best method for determining pregnancy?” Now since I made the Cootie, I couldn’t ask the question myself, so I enlisted Mister W. who, although doubtful of the accuracy of the test, played along for my sake.

Me: Pick a color.
Mister: Red.
Me: Pick a number.
Mister: Seven.
Me: Pick another number.
Mister: One.
Me: Pick another number.
Mister: (eyebrows raised higher than I have ever seen before) Really?
Me: You have to pick three numbers.
Mister: Fine…Seven.
Me: (opening the Cootie Catcher and frowning) Hmm.
Mister: Well?
Me: “Don’t you think that you should go to the doctor already?”
Mister: HA! Haven’t I already told you that?
Me: Clearly, this might be more than The Cootie Catcher can handle. This is BIG! Important.
Mister: Uh huh.
Me: No really! Cootie Catchers are more for like, “Does Tommy like me?” or “Will there be a pop quiz in algebra tomorrow“ or “Will I get caught if I smoke crack in the bathroom?”
Mister: That’s the kind of questions you ask?
Me: No! Of course not, I’m just saying…
Mister: Uh huh. Tell me, Hon, when do I need to start thinking about getting you committed?
Me: Um…Never?

So there I was staring at Mister W. staring back at me and all I could think about was what methods of divination had I not tried yet. And then it hit me. The most accurate method I’ve ever seen specifically regarding pregnancy! The Needle Test. A tiny sliver of steel had accurately predicted what I was having the first two times. Grabbing my sewing kit I pulled Mister W. into the bedroom.

Mister: Now what?
Me: The Needle Test.
Mister: (rolling his eyes and sighing) If I do this will you stop?
Me: Of course (clearly he doesn’t know me as well as I thought).
Mister: Fine.

In case you might not know, the Needle Test involves hanging a needle on a thread, rubbing the thread up and down the inside of a woman’s arm a few times and then holding the needle and thread over her wrist. If the needle moves in a circle, the baby is a girl. If it moves back and forth, the baby is a boy. This is continued until such time as the needle stops dead about the wrist which means that there will be no more children.

If the woman already has children the needle will cycle through the existing children first, so for example, I would expect that the first two times the needle was hung over my wrist, it would swing in a circle. The next time the needle hung over my wrist would reveal the “current” child. And then Mister W. would keep going until the needled stopped. With this test you can also predict how many children one might have.

Mister W. placated me and performed the test. First time: Circle for Big Sis. Second time: Circle for Little Sis. Third time: Back and forth!! Fourth time: Dead stop.

So, this could mean one of two things: 1. I am indeed pregnant and it is a boy. Or 2. Sometime in the future I will have a boy.

Maybe.

Secrets are hard to keep especially if you don't know whether you actually have a secret.

Dear Secret Blogiary,

I am now on Day 12 of The Great Period Watch of 2011. Three pregnancy tests have told me that I am not pregnant and from what I have garnered from the web, from the pharmacist and from one of the two people I have mentioned this to, the wacky pregnancy hormone hCG should have turned up by now if I am indeed in a delicate condition. Despite that, I am either conjuring up pregnancy symptoms like some neurotic dog with a Phantom Pregnancy, or I really am and I have incorrectly estimated the date of my last period and the hCG just hasn't built up enough.

The problem is, well, it isn't really a problem, but I think that I am actually leaning towards the side of wouldn't it be cool to be just a little bit pregnant. Especially in light of a certain revelation from BFF Lindsey in Japan. BFF Lindsey Skyped me the other day to inform me that she was expecting and engaged.

I had The Girls young and out of my really good friends only BFF Rose and now BFF Lindsey have (will have) little ones. I certainly have friends with kids. But it isn't the same as being pregnant at the same time. It could totally be like the Pregnancy Pact but without manipulative conniving teenagers.

Creepy. Right?

In any case, The Great Period Watch of 2011 will continue until Sunday. If by then I haven't started yet, off to the doctor I will go. And if it turns out that I am indeed pregnant, well, I will offer a cute little grin and be happy. And if it turns out that I am not pregnant, well, Mister W is all ready to set up an appointment to get neutered, and I will accept that two beyond beautiful, well-mannered, funny and irresistible children are just perfect for me.

I guess what I am saying, either way I'll be good and I am not going to actively try to bake me up a bun!

Waiting.

Dear Secret Blogiary,

I have two beautiful girls and for a long time after I was diagnosed with Factor V (why I had to take Coumadin) I was filled will angst because I was told I should not have any more children. The Coumadin I was required to take would cause birth defects and just being pregnant could potentially cause problems.

Mister W and I wanted four children. It took a long time for me to accept just having two. A long time. I logged hours and hours of talks with Mister W., with friends and family about why it wasn’t “safe,” why two was enough, why this had happened to me. I cried. I yelled. I cursed.

It was unfair, I cried to Mister W. one day about two years after I started on Coumadin. Little Sis was about two and a half and at the perfect age I thought to add another. The age difference between Big Sis and Little Sis is roughly six years and that, I felt, was too big of a gap. I told him that it wasn't right people who had no business having children popped them out like rabbits, but we, in a secure relationship, a stable financial situation and we – smart and not hideous – couldn’t have anymore.

We had one scare in all those years. One tiny oops. A condom broke and I will say honestly, we were not upset that I might get pregnant, we were upset that I was on Coumadin and that could harm the baby. After that, Mister W. said he would have a vascetomy, but I did not want him too. I was still selfish about wanting children. I didn't want to do something that we might later regret so because of me, he is still potent.

Over the years, my attitude developed into one of acceptance. In the back of my head, a third would have been welcome, but it was kind-of nice not having to worry about schlepping a diaper bag around, paying huge amounts of money to a daycare, being able to be spontaneous and free enough to jump in the car and just go.

This past year when Little Sis turned 8 and my BFF Rose had her baby, I finally felt okay with only two. Nine years is too much of an age gap. It would be like raising three only children rather than a family of close siblings.

When I stopped taking Coumadin in January, Mister W. asked if I did so in order to procreate some more. And I was able to truthfully tell him, “no.” I accepted my two, I was happy with two. Two were all we needed.

I am a week late. A week is a long time in someone who has been regular like Big Ben since she was in 8th grade. I play it off, hoping that my system is screwed up because I was majorly sick last week. But I certainly am worried enough to buy a pregnancy test. And use it immediately upon arriving home.

No plusses…but still no period.

I am waiting.

Diaper Cake Wrecks!

Dear Secret Blogiary,

I love Cake Wrecks. I only wish I had the baking talent to recreate some of the cakes I've seen on the site. Instead, I make some fantastic crafts and sometimes, the most well-intentioned craft gets out of control and explodes all over my dining room table.

This week, I bring you a story of a craft gone horribly wrong. You might remember me mentioning my BFF Rose and her soon-to-be-born baby. Her baby shower is coming up this week and Big Sis and Little Sis and I intended to make her a diaper cake.

Expensive craft, yes, but utterly delightful and fun to make. Here is what I envisioned we’d end up with:

Photo taken from The Stork Connection

After working about two weeks on it, looking at different configurations and ways to attach everything in, we finally finished it yesterday.

We spent night after night, rolling and rerolling organic cotton cloth diapers, organic cotton receiving blankets and splash-themed hooded towels. We tried tiers; we tried single layers, no matter what we did it looked lopsided, drunk and deformed. Finally, we settled on rolling the diapers (which are taller) inside the blankets and towels for a thick, wide base that we could “fit everything” on.

HA!

We rolled soft little baby washcloths into something that resembled a flower…or a sausage…or a wiener…

We implanted little Nuks, jittery vibrator vibrating toys, things that rattled, crinkled and jingled all throughout the cake. We attached things with giant safety pins that shed much of my blood. Baby safe, rubber coated spoons grace the top like candles and the center piece (the only thing that would fit and stay put) was a super safety rubber ducky that wasn’t even on the registry but Big Sis fell in love with it and needed it for “her” Rose.

How can I resist that kind of logic?

Well, after all was said and done, this is what we ended up with:

And this is the pile of all the stuff that didn’t fit on the cake!

Big Sis looked at the cake and the pile afterwards,

“Well, I guess we over did it again,” I said.

“WE??” Big Sis asked her eyes practically popping out of her pretty round face.

“Yes, WE!” I replied, “You were at the store too. Half of this stuff you put in the cart.”

“Na-uh.”

“A ya-huh!”

“Our Rose will like it anyway.” She said completely not playing into the argument.

“Yes.” I said, “Yes, she will. ‘Cause we made it.”

“What about the other stuff?” Little Sis asked.

“We’ll just wrap it up.”

“Cool.” Little Sis said, “I think you'll need a bigger box, though.”

“Yeah.”

Can't argue with that one.

The Art of Babies and Diaper Cake Construction

Dear Secret Blogiary,

I decided that the Sunday Supper posts are going to have to be put on hiatus for the time being. It isn’t that I didn’t like doing them, but it has been overwhelmingly busy on the weekends lately and with Nano just around the corner and Thanksgiving and Christmas racing in behind, I am feeling stretched and stressed already.

Instead, today I worked on making a diaper cake for my BFF Rose who is due in December. If you don’t know, a diaper cake is a “cake” made with baby supplies: cloth diapers, receiving blankets, hooded towels, socks, washcloths, toys and other essential baby material. You can see some really gorgeous examples at Rattlecake and if I had really wanted to save my sanity and some money, I would have ordered from them instead of attempting one on my own. But...well, I never once claimed to be rational.

Diaper cakes are expensive to make especially when the person for whom you are making it is an eco-friendly vegetarian and registered for only 100% organic cotton everything. I would go that route too if I could afford it. I also found out she is going with the au naturel diaper option so a diaper cake is a perfect gift!

The girls and I had too much fun at Target picking out the baby gear needed to go into the cake. It is hard to imagine now that my girls were ever as tiny as the baby clothes we saw! I ended up spending way more money then I had wanted, but I was able to completely justify it by clearly and slowly explaining to Mister W (again) that Rose is an Only Child and I am her BFF, which means, of course, that I will be Little Baby’s Only Aunt and therefore I am allowed to spoil the snot out of Little Baby.

Nyah.

After unloading all the bags onto the dinning room table, Little Sis reverantly touched every item with a single finger as if they were sacred talismans. She oohed over the tiny booties and gave the rattles a timid shake. She looked at me and asked when I was going to give her a little brother or sister. Mister W gave me “the look” - the one that said "HA! Have fun explaining that one to her and oh by the way, she'll also want to know where babies come from, because you know that'll be the next question" - and walked away from the table.

Oh. Boy.

That is a story for another day, but I explained that Mommy was happy with just two shiny pretty girls even if they were from Outer Space! That prompted giggles and the subject was easily diverted.

We went back to the cake and looked over the instructions and started unwrapping everything and rolling diapers up. We rolled up the first dozen and wrapped a thick ribbon around it for the “top layer.” Then we started rolling receiving blankets and towels together and as we reached for the last towel, we realized we had forgotten an essential piece: The Diaper Pins!

We secured the “bottom layer” with a ribbon temporarily and then tried to figure out how to get all the goodies inside. Little Sis played with the baby face clothes trying to roll them up to look like flowers like in the picture from the directions. Big Sis debated the merits of stuffing the toys and rattles into the top rolls or unrolling the whole thing and rolling the toys up inside.

As I stared at the cake, all I could think about was how I would ever get this thing shipped without it falling apart. We played with it for a few more minutes until Little Sis, frustrated that she couldn’t make wash cloth flowers wandered off to play on the computer and Big Sis started hinting that it was close to suppertime.

So the cake is on hold for right now. Once we get diaper pins I am sure the whole thing will come together effortlessly.

Right.

Well, at least the blanket I made is done.