Waiting.

Dear Secret Blogiary,

I have two beautiful girls and for a long time after I was diagnosed with Factor V (why I had to take Coumadin) I was filled will angst because I was told I should not have any more children. The Coumadin I was required to take would cause birth defects and just being pregnant could potentially cause problems.

Mister W and I wanted four children. It took a long time for me to accept just having two. A long time. I logged hours and hours of talks with Mister W., with friends and family about why it wasn’t “safe,” why two was enough, why this had happened to me. I cried. I yelled. I cursed.

It was unfair, I cried to Mister W. one day about two years after I started on Coumadin. Little Sis was about two and a half and at the perfect age I thought to add another. The age difference between Big Sis and Little Sis is roughly six years and that, I felt, was too big of a gap. I told him that it wasn't right people who had no business having children popped them out like rabbits, but we, in a secure relationship, a stable financial situation and we – smart and not hideous – couldn’t have anymore.

We had one scare in all those years. One tiny oops. A condom broke and I will say honestly, we were not upset that I might get pregnant, we were upset that I was on Coumadin and that could harm the baby. After that, Mister W. said he would have a vascetomy, but I did not want him too. I was still selfish about wanting children. I didn't want to do something that we might later regret so because of me, he is still potent.

Over the years, my attitude developed into one of acceptance. In the back of my head, a third would have been welcome, but it was kind-of nice not having to worry about schlepping a diaper bag around, paying huge amounts of money to a daycare, being able to be spontaneous and free enough to jump in the car and just go.

This past year when Little Sis turned 8 and my BFF Rose had her baby, I finally felt okay with only two. Nine years is too much of an age gap. It would be like raising three only children rather than a family of close siblings.

When I stopped taking Coumadin in January, Mister W. asked if I did so in order to procreate some more. And I was able to truthfully tell him, “no.” I accepted my two, I was happy with two. Two were all we needed.

I am a week late. A week is a long time in someone who has been regular like Big Ben since she was in 8th grade. I play it off, hoping that my system is screwed up because I was majorly sick last week. But I certainly am worried enough to buy a pregnancy test. And use it immediately upon arriving home.

No plusses…but still no period.

I am waiting.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do...Especially when you have to dump your doctor

Dear Secret Blogiary,

A month ago, I stopped taking my rat poison Coumadin which keeps my blood from its over active clotting action. A month ago after a year of talking with my doctor every month about alternatives to Coumadin and six months after I got tired of my doctor telling me “no, you will be on Coumadin for the rest of your life,” I stopped taking my “life saving” Coumadin.

I spent six months reading lab research, published medical articles and researching for myself the effects of Coumadin and the alternatives to taking a drug that was originally created to kill rats. I looked at natural supplements, dietary changes and other factors that might make and effect on my thick blood.

I told my doctor about the information I found and he continued to insist upon handing over a prescription telling me it was by far the “safest” route to take.

Safe means safe. Right?

Maybe not so much if you read the side effects that are often times worse than the original problem. Clearly in other medical cases, medicine created in a laboratory is needed, but in my case? I can manage my issue with a daily regiment of vitamins and minerals.

So for a month now every morning and evening I have been taking a handful of natural supplements that do the same job as Coumadin with the additional benefit of not destroying my liver.

And every morning The Girls make a big show about making sure I take my pills: garlic, 2 Cod liver oil, 2 vitamin E, 1 low dose aspirin and a flax seed oil. In the evening I take another Cod liver and flax seed.

Clearly changing medicines is something that should be done under supervision, so after breaking up with my doctor, I am back on the "doctor market" looking for a doctor who will support my desire to maintain my health in a natural way.

One month ago, I made a decision to change my life. I was very nervous the first week, a little less so now. Every twinge in my back makes me wonder, every ache in my leg gives my heart a little flutter. But I am still alive and still good to go. I am happy with the change and although I am taking more pills, I feel it is a better life style choice for me.

A Brand New Blog

Dear Secret Blogiary,

Here I am with my very first post. I am so excited that I created you! At last I can blog with freedom. No more worrying about who might see my blogiary, about who might get offended or upset. I can post without fear that if I rant about my family, it won't hurt their feelings. Because as you know, Blogiary, I am very sensitive and empathetic. I just need to be able to express myself and not have it held against me.

Maybe I should tell a little about myself...


I'm a Leo, proud and loyal. I am a mother and wife. I am a teacher. I am full of ideas and grand schemes, but unfortunately, because I am also lazy, I have yet to take over the world. I am in my thirties. I love books, tea, games, camping and crafts.


My hope is that I'll be able to write in my Secret Blogiary every few days, or at least once a week. I have other commitments and time constraints and yet, I really need to make a concentrated effort at posting because it will be a great means of stress relief. And, hey, maybe I'll find out that there are others out there who can relate to my unrelatable bizarre life!